Promises to Keep

I made a promise to my best friend to write at least once a week on my blog. Of course it's really a promise to myself but I made a promise to her to keep myself accountable. Thank you Lisa. She's an amazing person and an amazing friend. Promises. So many promises. I am paraphrasing a quote on FB I saw the other day from a friend who said that compromise (with-promise?) is to make everyone feel good about a decision except yourself. That's how I pretty much feel about my life lately. Aside from being annoyed that I don't have the quote correct, I have promises to people that I feel are pulling me in too many different directions. It all comes down to the promise of motherhood. The promise to keep your child safe and happy. To keep them comfortable. To try to shield them from hurt (well, we know if we are raising adults that there will be hurt, but not unnecessary hurt). A promise made to a man to love him and his promise to love you - forever. But what if that promise between a man and a woman, who's greatest achievement in life was to create this amazing little being, what if that promise is coming apart at the seems more and more everyday? What does the woman who made that promise do? What does that woman who is now a mother do? Where does that leave the creation b/t the two promised-people? The innocent one who on one hand is happy with her life and says out loud how much she loves her mommy and daddy equally. How she cries when her daddy leaves the house for just a while. Who's whole life would be turned inside out and upside down without this routine. But who's father drinks too much and is as much of a downer in the house as an upper? What happens to all these promises? The promises that started out linear and clear but exploded and has gone flying like shrapnel. How do I pick up these promises, gather them and keep them. Which promises do I break? Keep? Change? Who am I going to sacrifice with a broken promise. Not the little girl with the big blue eyes. Not ture. Whichever promise I keep - to me, to her, to him -- the one I try hardest to keep safe from harm will probably suffer the most.

How do I narrow everything I'm thinking right now into one topic. I so want to move in a positive direction but sometimes I feel like I take the famous 1 step forward, 2steps back. I find I'm not being fulfilled and I know it's up to me to fill myself up. I find I need to take small steps. I usually let things overwhelm me. This has caused so many problems in the past. I want to crawl into a hole, ignore the world when something goes wrong. Now that I'm a mother, that hole affects a little person and it's not fair to her. She's been giving me a big wakeup call lately. She has been learning to identify her feelings out loud. This is wonderful. But, she CAN use it to her advantage. But, let's talk about the positive. I do feel it's good to express herself. I see changes in her daily. She's outgrowing the tomboy stage to a degree and I hope it's of her own doing and that she's not feeling peer-pressure already.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS SO I'M GOING TO STOP. I was going to erase, but what I wrote is what is going on. Right now I just need to write different tidbits of everything I'm witnessing around me andhow it's affecting me.

--I bought People Magazine b/c Sandra Bullock was on the cover with her baby. How she kept that hidden for all this time amazes me. The article was PERFECT. She is a person people can look to for inspiration. She talked lovingly of her STUPID husband, but made no excuses for him. Everything she turned into a positive. One hell of a woman.
--It's coming up to the Relay for Life and I'm doing this for Dorothy. My sadness over her passing still hasn't really softened.
--Today is my Dad's Birthday. He would've been...84 today. I can't imagine that. I didn't realize it was his birthday but I did wake up thinking about him. At Josh's wedding dancing to YMCA. He was a wonderful man
--I'm lonely. I watched a show last night on Mothers Who Drink. It was a fluffy sort of segment. Designed to get your attention but not offering too much. WHY are women so isolated at home? We have friends, internet, phone, cars, playdates, thoughts, opinions, we're well read...But it seems like it's all on hold. We really do give up ourselves because of our children. Yet, we try to fit in some real time for ourselves, but it all comes down to the fact that we're "fitting it in". Well, that's my opinion. I know I miss my family, my friends, my life. Yet, when I was at work w/o child I wanted nothing more than to do what I'm doing - be a mom. I wasn't happier at a job. So what was I then? I don't have any idea. I'm glad I don't have an addiction to alcohol, but I worry that my daughter will. The cards are so stacked against her. Even typing that last sentence made my heart speed up and scare me.
GOTTA RUN, HUBBY'S COMING BACK FROM WALK WITH DOG.

Ideas for Blogs

These days it's hard to remember anything. Or if I do 'remember' something I question whether it was a dream, a thought not put into action or me in an alternate universe. For instance, I was writing to a friend last night who I have not spoken to in a couple of years. We recently reconnected via email and FB. I started writing "I called you the other day but your phone rang and rang." I paused and thought "Did I really call her? It's been my intention to call, but did I follow through on this day?" Maybe I was just trying to remember her phone number. I mean, most people have voice-mail - and when I was writing that statement it suddenly occured to me that I didn't remember hearing voicemail, how many times the phone rang before I hung up - Did I get distracted by my daughter before dialing or after the phone started ringing? So, instead of sounding like I was making something up that sounded phoney, I erased the sentence. I gave it some thought after I went to bed, and I still don't know whether I tried calling. No, it wasn't on my cell phone so I can't see my 'numbers dialed'. However, this gives me more of an excuse to use my cellphone. I have one, but it doesn't even take pictures. I think it texts, b/c I've rec'd a few from nieces and a sister-in-law. I was at a Home Show the other night and we had the chance to decorate our cell-phones with a word or a little scene of birds or butterflies. I took out my phone all excited and ewww. It was like the first time in 4 years I looked at! It was ugly. Too ugly to add a cute anything to it. I immediately wanted a new phone. Ok, I wanted a new phone for my birthday (fall), Christmas (Dec, in case you forgot), Valentine's day, but I never got one. ...Then I forgot about it (I really did!) Now it's all about the new phone so I can put my cute saying on it! I'm very shallow sometimes.
In my mom's group we used to have a book club. We revived it, sorta, although some of us read the books, the meetings never really get off the ground. So, when i joined Goodreads and I compared books with friends there was one that sounded familiar but I just couldn't remember the plot. Nor did it sound like something I would pick up to read. I emailed her about the book. She wrote back saying she read it because *I* thought it was a great book and would be good for our bookclub! That was MONTH'S ago and I still can't remember the book, why I read it, why I thought it was so great for bookclub.
Despite everything I just wrote, I'm really not as bad as I seem, as far as I can remember (joke, insert chuckle). It's just that I used to remember everything. Never had to write an appointment down, or learn anyone's name more than once. I think I need to start doing Sudoko or crosswords - something that will challenge my brain more. As an older SAHM my days are spent doing such mundane things. I do think it's important to play with my daughter, but sometimes it takes suspension of my so-little-used-brain cells that I can feel the atrophy set in as we're playing Little People, Polly Pockets, Chutes and Ladders or anything else. Her brain is growing, mine is shriveling. My husband is hardly stimulating conversation...which is one of the reason's for this blog. I remembered (tada!) when I was in the shower today how little me and my husband have to say to each other and it was an idea for a blog. Last night lying in bed I had a couple of ideas for blogs too, which I think I remembered at the start of writing this entry, but now I'm forgetting. Really good ideas - I know they were. But, I have to write them down, or else they're gone forever. Ok, brain, work (I'm not in the shower or trying to sleep so I'm having trouble with recall):
-What a relationship does to a marriage. When is it positive, when is it not? (Hint: from experience, the first few months are bliss, but it goes downhill from there)
-How your child views you when you're a SAHM (I USED to be a contender!)
-Reviewing childhood thru their eyes.
-...But the world is sooo different now
-Everyone needs family around, and what happens to people who don't
-Only child Stuff - not good, not bad, but it's sure different from what i had
-Naps
-Serious problems in a relationship
-Relating to younger mom's - easier than I thought, but still lots of differences
-Making Demands (thank you Mel Robbins for enlightening me) Walking the Talk
So, will I refer to this list next time I write? Maybe. Maybe I'll have such new wonderful ideas that I won't recall the above, or how to find this entry. Either way, at least I got something out of my brain and I hope this makes room for new information.
Happy Spring!

Sudden Realization

I first realized I was an old mom when I couldn't read the instructions on the little bottle of Children's Tylenol. My daughter was about 9 months old and I guess up until then I was in denial about me getting older. However, when your child is sick and you need to take care of them, winging it without reading label instructions is not the time for ego - it is time to take action and purchase reading glasses from CVS. That crisis over, (child recovered fully without overdosing) it was time for me to do some examining of my life.
I always looked young. Always. Not "hot" young, but young. I didn't like this for a long time because I never felt I was taken seriously by people my own age. I heard countless times "Well, you look really young, but when you talk I can tell you're older." Gee thanks. That helps alot with first impressions when I'm with my gorgeous friends at the bar...I also heard so often that I could tell when someone I just met was going to say it: "Oh, honey, you'll be so glad you look young when you're 40 and look 25." And so it was. I turned 40 and because I looked young, I felt young. I was married, had a nice house, a good job, and was fairly athletic. I mountain biked, exercised, worked at a weight loss company that helped keep me on the straight and narrow and I was generally happy. Except every time one of my friends became pregnant. They were and I wasn't...but that's another blog.
Forty came and it except for the number, life didn't really change. I didn't feel older, didn't look older. Someone I worked with one day did say something though that stayed with me...I was 41 and she was maybe 44. We were both looking at the tiny invoice numbers and I could still see them but she had whip out 'those' glasses and said "You think it's forty you have to worry about, but wait till you're about 43" Nope, not gonna happen to me. I look young. I AM young. I got pregnant the old-fashioned way at 42. Even my story is pretty young and healthy sounding. I was training for a 2-day bike ride for MS, biking 20-30 miles every few days and in great shape, when I found I just couldn't ride 5 miles without feeling like I was going to keel over. When I realized I was pregnant, age was only part of my worries. I was a high risk due to other health issues, so even the age thing was on the low-end.
My daughter was born with only 8 hours of labor, 3 weeks early, and she was PERFECT! Everything went along pretty smooth, aside from the first night home when I was afraid to put her down in the bassinet for fear of crib death. After 3 months, she slept through the night and I went back to work part time, lost my baby weight and then some - down to the weight I wanted to be for 15 years (don't hate me ladies, you should see me now). Things were wonderful, until I hit that slippery slope with the Children's Tylenol Instructions. That was almost 4 years ago. I was just about to turn 44 at the time. Now I sit here and wonder what the hell happened. What's hard is the turning older thing happened at the same time I became a mom. I do think it's coincidence to a degree. I don't think motherhood itself makes you old. But I have a daughter who won't nap but I do. My body has aches that are not from a lack of exercise - but that too. My little girl is experiencing her first spring on a two-wheel (with training wheels) bike - a day that her mom has looked forward to since she was born and sang The Wheels on The Bike, instead of the bus. I don't think however, we'll be taking part in family mountain bike weekends. But, as a mom, I see that gleam in her eye she has when she rides - the same one I had since the days I used to pretend I was Evil Kenieval. Am not to old to show her how much I love her. And I do, maybe because I am older, I tell her and show her How Much she is loved every day. Will I be here in 30 years? I certainly hope so. But just in case, she knows I'm here now and in her heart forever.

First Blog

Not much to say. Well, not true. I just haven't had my coffee yet. I've been talking about writing for so long and here I am, typing, wondering what to say. I am - I am a 47 year old mom of a beautiful 4 year old girl. I want to use this blog to post my thoughts on what it's like to be an older mom, how motherhood has affected my thoughts, actions, marriage and body. How it feels to be my age and hanging with other mom's with young kids - most in their mid-30's or women my age who have kids who are much older. What it's like to have lost my mother at 14 and how it affects my own role as a mom. Of course all of this is while trying to raise a girl who's positive, happy, confident - who won't be bullied or a bully (RIP Phoebe Prince), who is compassionate, who reads, who's smart, who doesn't spend her time watching too much tv, spending too much time on FB, who doesn't become an addict. Am I wanting anything different than most parents?

Despite all my obsessions about motherhood, I'm also a spiritual seeker ,a wanna-be writer who, until now has only written Facebook blurbs, and a wife, friend, sister and aunt who wants to be the best I can.
That's all for now. I *really* need that cup of coffee.