How do I narrow everything I'm thinking right now into one topic. I so want to move in a positive direction but sometimes I feel like I take the famous 1 step forward, 2steps back. I find I'm not being fulfilled and I know it's up to me to fill myself up. I find I need to take small steps. I usually let things overwhelm me. This has caused so many problems in the past. I want to crawl into a hole, ignore the world when something goes wrong. Now that I'm a mother, that hole affects a little person and it's not fair to her. She's been giving me a big wakeup call lately. She has been learning to identify her feelings out loud. This is wonderful. But, she CAN use it to her advantage. But, let's talk about the positive. I do feel it's good to express herself. I see changes in her daily. She's outgrowing the tomboy stage to a degree and I hope it's of her own doing and that she's not feeling peer-pressure already.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS SO I'M GOING TO STOP. I was going to erase, but what I wrote is what is going on. Right now I just need to write different tidbits of everything I'm witnessing around me andhow it's affecting me.

--I bought People Magazine b/c Sandra Bullock was on the cover with her baby. How she kept that hidden for all this time amazes me. The article was PERFECT. She is a person people can look to for inspiration. She talked lovingly of her STUPID husband, but made no excuses for him. Everything she turned into a positive. One hell of a woman.
--It's coming up to the Relay for Life and I'm doing this for Dorothy. My sadness over her passing still hasn't really softened.
--Today is my Dad's Birthday. He would've been...84 today. I can't imagine that. I didn't realize it was his birthday but I did wake up thinking about him. At Josh's wedding dancing to YMCA. He was a wonderful man
--I'm lonely. I watched a show last night on Mothers Who Drink. It was a fluffy sort of segment. Designed to get your attention but not offering too much. WHY are women so isolated at home? We have friends, internet, phone, cars, playdates, thoughts, opinions, we're well read...But it seems like it's all on hold. We really do give up ourselves because of our children. Yet, we try to fit in some real time for ourselves, but it all comes down to the fact that we're "fitting it in". Well, that's my opinion. I know I miss my family, my friends, my life. Yet, when I was at work w/o child I wanted nothing more than to do what I'm doing - be a mom. I wasn't happier at a job. So what was I then? I don't have any idea. I'm glad I don't have an addiction to alcohol, but I worry that my daughter will. The cards are so stacked against her. Even typing that last sentence made my heart speed up and scare me.
GOTTA RUN, HUBBY'S COMING BACK FROM WALK WITH DOG.